My Damn Opinion - Crazy Talk

Alright, I need to get something off my chest. I am very wary of making my LJ into a big pity party, so I often don't share this kind of information. If you don't want to look at this, skip it.

My whole adult life, I have had issues around women and me. For as long as I can remember, I have firmly believed that I was undesirable. In the last few years, it has been brought to my attention that things aren't nearly that bad, and I'm apparently quite desirable. But I can't make myself believe it. It's not that I don't want to, or don't see the signs, or don't want to be involved with someone, I really do. But I cannot make myself believe that it could happen. This is an irrational, uncontrollable belief, and it has resisted everything I have thrown at it, including things that have worked on other bad thought patterns. I have been running into this brick wall again and again and again, and I'm starting to see blood, metaphorically speaking. I don't know what to do.

To give you some perspective on this problem, let's go through my thought pattern when it comes up: Upon seeing an attractive woman, my first thought is "Oh wow." My second thought, close on the heels of the first, is "You're not good enough for her" or "She's WAY out of your league" or something similar. The more attractive I find the woman, the worse this is. This thought, combined with the evidence at hand of my own shortcomings, of whom no one is more aware than me, serves to shatter anything good generated by the first thought. This one-two is quickly followed by several other thoughts: "Don't you dare bother that awesome woman", "Don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't harass/molest/annoy her, you creepy nerd", "How dare you even think about her". Bad, I know. So I do my best to stay distant, to keep from annoying them or being creepy, and to basically not let them know I exist. The end result of this thought process, which takes about 2-3 seconds in the real world, is that women think I'm not interested, or even worse, that I dislike them somehow. When I see that they're feeling this way, because of behavior I cannot seem to stop, I feel like I'm locked in a cage in my head, and I'm rattling the bars and screaming "No, no! That's not it! You're awesome, I'm the loser here!" But I would never say that, because this is my problem, not theirs. But I'm creating a self-fulfilling prophecy with this behavior, and I am at a loss as to how to stop it. This whole process has gotten streamlined lately, so that I go from seeing-hawt-woman to depression-and-withdrawal right away. I don't even like looking at attractive women anymore, because it just ruins my day. I stopped going to Roller Derby, because I ended up being depressed all weekend afterwards.

Now, I can almost see what you're saying in response to this, some of you out there. "Just stop that negative pattern", "Don't let that voice control you", "Fight back against the negative thinking." Believe me, I know how to do all this. I've done it before with other aspects of my life, and I've had great success. Every time I hear that voice I turn around and smash it with the mental/emotional hammer I've used to overcome so many, many other obstacles. But in this one place, I have failed again and again and again, my entire adult life. I have watched some truly, utterly fabulous women pass me by, because I'm trapped in this feedback loop. There are women that I think the world of, that I would do anything for, but they don't know that and I can't make myself say anything to them. I have even had women come gunning for me, and I hoped that that would short-circuit the effect, but it doesn't. It only seems to get worse.

I tried for a while pretending that I didn't feel this way. I thought if I just ignored the voice and acted like I felt okay, eventually I would. And I got pretty far. But at the moment of truth, I locked up. 2-3 years ago, I had a great gal at my house, she was giving off the "I'm ready anytime you are" signals, things were looking good. And I could not make myself lift a damn finger. She ended up leaving after a few hours, clearly very disappointed. It's not that I don't know what to do, it's not that I can't perform, as they say - I cannot believe, even when it's right there living and breathing in front of me, that I could be wanted by someone. Fuji spent years trying to convince me of it, and even still, I never could believe it. I want to believe it. But I cannot overcome this compulsion.

Short answer: I'm fucking crazy.

I have begun to tackle it from a different perspective - rather than thinking of it as a problem in itself, I have begun to question whether or not it is a symptom of something else, something deeper. I have gained a few insights, but I still feel as though I'm staring at a huge black monolith of a problem, it's surface worn smooth with my attempts to erode it away.

I have considered that it's a facet of my paranoia. Being paranoid means you always think someone's talking behind your back while being fake to your face, people are constantly plotting against you somehow, and no one really says what they mean. I've learned over the years to recognize paranoid thoughts and dismiss them. They always disintegrate in the face of logic. Arguments like "Why would Alex think that about you?" or "Why would Sarah say something like that about you? That makes no sense." or "Your bosses have better things to do than come up with elaborate plots to fire you" have always shoved the paranoia monster right back down in his hole. Indeed, the most effective and liberating realization I ever had was that most people don't spend that much time thinking about me at all. Not that I'm unloved, but paranoia is a very self-centered mindset, and slapping it with the strong realization that "it's not about you" shrivels it up like salt on a slug. But when your first instinct is to assume that people are somehow hiding something from you, it feeds the voice that says "She doesn't really like you, she's just being polite because she's a nice person and you're a turd and she pities you." And when I meet someone who really is a nice person, as well as being a stone-cold hottie, and she does something volatile like talk to me (gasp!), then the thought process mentioned above kicks in and I can't even bring myself to say something back to her. And then I look like a massive jerk, or like I'm not interested, or I'm just plain anti-social, and there goes that self-fulfilling prophecy again. And then seeing the effects of my failure brought on by my madness fuels the madness itself (See what you did to her? See how you made her feel! You dick!), and I end up miserable again. And all this poor girl did was walk in the room and smile at me.

Another possibility is a sense of self-perfection that has plagued me since I was a child. My mother, if you give her the slightest provocation, will tell you all about how I would never try something new because I might be bad at it. When I was a kid, I wouldn't play Pac-Man in the arcade with the other kids, because I might be bad at it. I tried roller skating once, fell down, and that was the end of it. Now, as an adult, I see a gorgeous woman, and then I look down at my massive gut and I look around at my house full of video games and think "What the hell makes you think you're good enough?" But here's the clencher: I think, "Okay, weight loss time. Houston, we have motivation. Gonna turn those negative thoughts into positive ones." Part of me says "Ditch the games, goober. Start investing in stocks, get a real job and buy a Porsche if you want a woman. Play the game." But I know that would lead to real serious unhappiness for me, my hobbies bring me too much joy. And I know better than to sacrifice my happiness in the pursuit of companionship, that always ends badly. Eventually, however, I come to the realization that even if I were a millionaire Ivy-League underwear model, I still wouldn't be good enough for myself. It's a game I can't possibly win, and any motivation I had goes out the window. If you can't win, why play?

This too, is fucking crazy.

I'm tired of being crazy. I'm tired of my thoughts going in circles every damn day. I'm tired of being depressed by things that I love. I'm tired of alienating people I would like to attract, I'm tired of coming off as abrasive and off-putting to people I want to get close to. I have some wonderfully patient friends who have been drug through a lot over this, and I've worn out the patience of more than one of them. Poor Amanda has been trying for several years, and every now and then she tests the waters. This post, in a way, is for people like her, and Bob, and Jeremy, and Loreena, and Sarah C., and anyone else who's tried to help me sort this out.

I'm crazy. And I don't know how to stop it.