My Damn Opinion

Every now and then I head over to Steve Olsen's blog, because I really like 99% of what he has to say. He's an inspiring, no-nonsense writer, and has given me a lot of insights into my own mentalities and habits. He wrote a very good article for Craig Harper called "Why is it so hard to change?", something I have contemplated myself several times, especially recently. In the article he also recommends checking out Games People Play by Eric Berne. Reading the article really makes me want to get that book.

Check 'em out.

"Throughout life people will make you mad,
Disrespect you and treat you bad,
Let God deal with the things they do,
'cause hate in your heart will consume you too."

 - Will Smith, Just The Two Of Us

Everything I've learned about life can be summarized in three words: It goes on.

 - Robert Frost

Parker's Law of Inverse Romantics: The more attractive you find a person, the greater the chances that they will have no interest in you.

Discuss, and give examples to support your data.

So, I've been talking online with someone fascinating, and she gave me a list of very interesting questions. With her permission, I'm posting the ones she's given me so far, along with my answers. If you'd like, copy and paste these to your LJ and answer them yourself.

So, something occurred to me on the way into work today: I passed by a church whose sign out front declared, as many other churches do, that Jesus Christ died for your sins. This is something that has never made any sense to me, the idea that Christ was tortured, mutilated, and executed in a truly horrific fashion, and somehow this absolved you of your sins. But, not being a Christian, I just accepted it as part of their faith and let it go. 

Then it occurred to me: throughout his entire ordeal, his faith never wavered. He forgave his captors, he forgave his betrayers, and he loved everyone who partook in his grisly death, just as he loved his disciples and followers. He accepted being tortured and humiliated to prove to you that pain has no power over you. He gladly died in a terrible fashion to prove to you that you have nothing to fear from death. 

What a trial that must have been for him. Forgiving and loving people who are doing all this to you. What strength it must have taken, to accept the blows and the taunts and the jeers, or even worse, the betrayals and the apathy, and return it all with unconditional love. I have heard it said that he knew what would happen to him. Part of me thinks he chose it, on purpose, because he knew the incredible lesson it would teach. A lesson that has, in fact, endured and inspired for millennia.

What an example to set. 

Thanks, Big Guy. I think I'm getting it.

Too many people saw Fight Club, and decided it was about beating up your friends. They missed the real message, as many people often do. This was on my playlist this morning, and I wanted to be sure to remember it.


( This is your Life, The Dust Brothers (w/Tyler Durden) )

Live in joy, in love,
Even among those who hate.
Live in joy, in health,
Even among the afflicted.
Live in joy, in peace,
Even among the troubled.
Be still; take a breath,
Know the sweet freedom of the way.

 - The Dhammapada 


I need to get me a copy of this book. 

I hate watching people torture themselves. 

I can't stand sitting by and watching my friends run themselves into the ground. Over and over and over again, I see the people I care about repeat destructive patterns. Some of them they're aware of, some of them they're not. I've found that most of the time you can't tell people what they're doing to themselves, because you get two responses: either constant streams of justification, proving that what they're doing is not bad but actually good, or if nothing else, is completely beyond their control; or self-righteous anger, the how-dare-you response that shows that they are aware of what's happening, and they're just feeling helpless. 

And that's the ticket, really. They know, most of the time. They know exactly what they're doing. But one of the greatest powers of the human mind is cognitive dissonance: the ability to see, hear and ultimately believe only what you want. People see that what they're doing is going to unravel them. And yet they persist, because of some preconceived idea they had about what things "should be." And when you point this out, they either say "Oh no, you just don't get it, I'm not cutting my arm off, I'm actually learning to fly!" or "How dare you tell me I'm cutting my arm off! I'm not in any pain! There's no blood here!" or the very worst one of all, "I have to cut my arm off. It's who I am, and there's no way to change that." I feel like Cassandra sometimes, watching people do this to themselves, and no one wants to hear.

On the other hand, I'm in no position to judge. I do some pretty stupid crap myself, and very often only become aware of it after the fact. Or I'll be doing something, knowing it's a dumb choice, and doing it anyway. Sometimes I feel like a passenger in my mind.

And you know why you do that, don't you?

Well, yeah. I do it because I need to learn from it. The bad experiences we have here are because we need the lessons wrapped in each of them.

And you know who does these things to you too, don't you?

Yeah, I guess I do. I do them. Can't blame anyone else. No one can control me except me.

So why would you choose to do self-destructive things to yourself?

Well that's the big question, isn't it? Why indeed? Why persist in patterns that end the same way, over and over again. Both big and small, short-term and long, we do them again and again and again. Whether we accept responsibility for them or not.

But I guess I know better. I see other people repeat their patterns all the time. I can't stop seeing them, unless I go live in a cave somewhere. And believe me, I'm greatly tempted sometimes. But seeing them doing these things, I start to be able to see myself doing them as well.

And?

And I can look at what this pattern is that I'm repeating, and take it apart, and understand why I keep doing it. And thus learn the lesson inside it without having to repeat the pattern again. And thus I free myself from the cycle.

And that's the real answer, isn't it? The first step along the road of enlightenment is to stop torturing yourself. To recognize that you are the only one doing this to you, and you have the ultimate freedom: to choose again, any time you want. To realize that you don't need to be tortured anymore, because you can choose to learn the easy way now.

The Easy Way. Damn, that's hard to do.

Everything is hard to do, until it becomes easy.

So, it's not like I don't know plenty of real astrologers. But allpowerfulboband I were fooling around on the web, and he found a great site that'll do a free quickie chart and interpretation for you. And damn if it wasn't a metaphorical shot to the nuts. 

Rising Sign is in 03 Degrees Sagittarius
You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. (I often say I'm lucky that I still have any friends.) Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. (That's so me - a combination of loving the social life and hating the little games we all play in them. ) You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. (I think this is kind of understated - I'll gladly rebel against outside influence irregardless of the effect it may have on me. Live free or die, I believe the phrase is.) With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize (and yet I "dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication.") -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering. 

Sun is in 10 Degrees Leo.
More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! (One of the first things the NDK Directors learned about me was to not give a microphone to me for too long.)But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. (So many of these just seem to be a nice way of saying "asshole".) You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. (I used to tell people I was dramatized as a child.) Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

Moon is in 22 Degrees Gemini.
Restless in the extreme, you are easily bored because of your short attention span. Your emotions change rapidly and you love to talk about your feelings. Generally, you have good judgment -- your intellect controls your emotions and you do not overreact emotionally to things. A good jack-of-all-trades, you have many- sided interests and enjoy reasoning things through. With your mental agility and need for physical mobility, you are attracted to traveling and learning about other peoples and cultures. You have vivid powers of emotional self-expression - - you can be a nonstop talker. You love to share your ideas with anyone who will listen. (Thus, I have an LJ.)

Mercury is in 13 Degrees Leo.
You are usually quite convinced that your own ideas are correct and you enjoy persuading others that they are. At times, you are very stubborn and proud of your beliefs and principles, and you get very defensive when they are challenged. You appreciate truth and honesty -- you practice it yourself and expect it in others. You have good talent for organizing, directing and planning. You delight in being asked for your advice and counsel. (Thus, I have an LJ.)

Venus is in 11 Degrees Virgo.
You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. (True - if I won the Lotto, I'd probably spend my days doing volunteer work.) You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high -- you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate. 

(Ow. That, as you might guess, was the big one.)

Mars is in 23 Degrees Taurus.
Careful, slow and thorough about all that you do, at times you are also willful and stubborn when others try to alter your course. You are definitely not a quitter -- you will work long and hard to get what you want. Your possessions are very important to you. One of your continuing problems is that you tend to regard the significant people in your life much the same way as you do your possessions -- you become overly attached and much too jealous. You repress your anger when you get upset and that is not healthy. Try to learn to show your anger immediately in order to avoid painful explosions later. (This, I don't really agree with. I'm not much of a jealous person. I don't really understand jealousy.)

Jupiter is in 24 Degrees Aries.
The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly.

Saturn is in 24 Degrees Cancer.
The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times. (When things get stressful, be it a fender-bender or a convention related disaster, it's like time slows down for me. Everything's much easier to deal with then, when I'm 'in the zone'.)

Uranus is in 28 Degrees Libra.
You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.

Neptune is in 09 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 07 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 28 Degrees Scorpio.
You have a special aptitude for working by yourself, or with a like-minded group of dedicated individuals. Once you've committed yourself to a person or group or project, your loyalty and devotion are total until the group's goals have been realized. Not at all gregarious by nature, you're uncomfortable around strangers, greatly preferring to be in known and familiar situations. Others may regard you as shy or eccentric, but those who know you well are aware of the intense loyalty that you have to your friends. 


So, the same question comes up everytime I learn something about myself, especially about a weakness - now that I know, how do I fix this?

Actually, I am. And it's okay! 

"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Columbian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.

Hiro used to feel that way too, but then he ran into Raven. In a way, this is liberating. He no longer has to worry about being the baddest motherfucker in the world. The position is taken. The crowning touch, the one thing that really puts true world-class badmotherfuckerdom totally out of reach, of course, is the hydrogen bomb. If it wasn't for the hydrogen bomb, a man could still aspire. Maybe find Raven's Achilles' heel. Sneak up, get a drop, slip a mickey, pull a fast one. But Raven's nuclear umbrella kind of puts the world title out of reach.

Which is okay. Sometimes it's all right to just be a little bad. To know your limitations. Make do with what you've got. "

Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash

Why do we argue for our limitations? Why will we work so hard to protect those things that drag us down & destroy what's good in our lives?

I used to have a student, when I was teaching Taekwondo, that argued with me when I tried to encourage her. She had her difficulties, like every student does, and I spent my time encouraging her and telling her that things would be okay, that she would grow and learn like everyone else. She fought with me tooth and nail. I would tell her that she would learn balance, and she'd tell me she could never learn it. I'd tell her that she would get stronger, and she'd tell me how she was getting weaker every day. I'd say that with practice she'd get better, and she'd give me a half-hour on how she'd never get better, no matter what. It wasn't just automatic game-saying and arguing, she had a well-thought out & reasoned argument on why she was weak, stupid and worthless, and she fought me every single day, sometimes to the point of tears, resisting my every effort to support and teach her. Eventually, she did give up on TKD. She gave up on life, and ruined a lot of good things she had. She was not stupid, I see that she planned and executed this carefully. She worked for it.

If she had fought that hard for her self-esteem, and put that much work into keeping what was good in her life, she would have succeeded. It was the sheer amount of effort she put into it that amazed me.

I see it again and again. I can honestly say that every single person I know has argued in favor of their weakness at one point or another. I have seen talented, even gifted people start doing major work to improve their lives, put out a lot of effort to grow, and then suddenly come to a screeching halt, never to pick it up again. I have spoken with gifted, gifted people, trying to convince them to use thier gifts, even just to help someone else, and they tell me they have no gifts, even while demonstrating them to me. I have done it myself, and I cannot seem to stop. It's not that I even want to hold myself back, or that I believe what I'm saying or thinking half the time. I just can't seem to make it stop.

This seems to extend to a deeper level. When you start examining these things, when you start questioning why you're doing this self-destructive crap and trying to find help, you start getting sabotage from within. I once read an excellent self-help book that talked about this idea. The book warned that when I started reading the section describing this self-sabotage, I would start to grow sleepy and need to close my eyes. I would get distracted and realize I was "late" for something. I would lose interest in the book, and decide to put it down. All these things happened, and a tremendous effort of will was required to keep reading. It does seem that knowing I was sabotaging myself helped, but it was a titanic struggle to keep moving forward.

Repeatedly, as I type this, I am misspelling and mistyping. I am jumping around my web browser to different sites. I am looking for the definition of terms and words that have nothing to do with what I'm trying to say. I'm doing it to myself right now.

So the question is, why the fisking hjell are we doing this to ourselves? What is the motivation? That's the key, right there: the reason behind this behavior. Once I understand it, I can start to fight it. I can help other people fight it, people who are doing it to themselves right now. I can help the whole goddamn world, I know I can. It seems to me right now that it's simply irrational, but that's too simplistic. Too many people have repeated this pattern since the dawn of time for it to be irrational. There must be an explanation.

I must know.

I'm taking the opportunity this month to clean out a lot of old crapola from my closets and storage boxes. Going through filing boxes, resorting what goes into where, and labeling everything so I know what's in what. Feels good.

I'm also finding things I've had for years and transported around without ever really looking at. I had an old cardboard file box I must have bought more than ten years ago, crammed with crapola and disintegrating. After sorting the mounds of video game controllers and spare systems into plastic tubs, I finally started looking through that old cardboard box, and pulling out the things I might want to actually keep.

It had a separate file for various odd subjects - The role-playing file had Paranoia characters, Cyberpunk 2020 characters, Cyberpunk 1.0 characters...and Cyberpunk 1.0 itself (whoa....what a rotten system.) I had a file full of anime pics, including little mini "artbooks" and posters from ancient issues of Newtype and Animage. It had the first issue of AKIRA I ever bought in English, the only one I could find after the movie came out. I had been using it as an impromptu sketchbook, not really drawing in it, just drawing on bits of paper, using the comic as a guide. Still had an old sketch in it. I found a whole file filled with video game manuals (glad to find those), and another with taxes from 1993. I found a file full of letters, some from Mitch when he was in England, some from Drew Been when he was in Wisconsin, and every letter keisolo ever wrote me. (Sorry Kei. See the effect you have on me?)

And then I found a file labeled "Fuji."

There was quite a bit in it. Most things I had completely forgotten about. She drew me a lot of pictures during our time together (I had a plethora of pictures of Shampoo), and even wrote her share of love letters. There were sketches done by other people as well, including the one below. I'm unsure who drew it, I'm guessing Rich Arnold. When she left, I threw out most of the things she'd drawn or given me. I wanted nothing of her around, and I was done with her. So I was genuinely surprised to find that I had kept these things, probably due to the fact that I never looked in that box.

Looking back on all this has gotten me to thinking.

I have never been able to convince myself that anyone wanted me. I have found it repeatedly impossible to believe, despite several periods where I just thought if I acted like it, someone would. Apparently, I am attractive, despite several flaws I have, but it's very, very rare that I can see it. Or that I allow myself to see it. This has been true all my life.

I can remember standing in the library in middle school, and seeing some girl out of the corner of my eye lean on a bookshelf and say to her friend "*sigh*....he is so fine...." Her friend freaked out, shocked that she would be so brazen. I couldn't make out her face, and I couldn't bring myself to lift my head to see who she was, maybe someone I knew. I never found out.

I can remember seeing groups of girls laughing as I would walk by in junior high, giggling to each other as I passed. I was (am) so damn paranoid, I thought they were making fun of me. I assumed that they thought I was stupid, or goofy-looking, and were making jokes at my expense. It enraged me, and I just walked faster, clenching my fists in anger and driving me deeper into myself. I remember years and years later, when I had a somewhat better understanding of how young girls think, slapping my forehead in full-blown bull-goose realization of what they were really giggling about as I passed.

In my junior year in high school, I had an art class with two girls that were pretty outgoing in their expressions towards me. They started quietly, just talking to their friends at the table about it, but it gradually escalated over the semester. They got to the point of calling me "lover" as I walked past, and talking about their desire in louder-than-conversational tones during the class period. On Valentine's Day, they sent me one of the Secret Valentines that the student council was selling, not signing their names and assuming I had no idea who it was from. I still have it.
I never spoke to them. I never looked them in the eye. I never learned their names.

I had the courage to express my feelings to only one girl that year. And, well...that wasn't meant to be.

One year at StarCon, I met this girl. She was with a group of other people I knew, all of whom were into anime as I was. I was at StarCon hoping to encounter the one that wasn't meant to be, and I ended up hanging around with these folks, and eventually just the girl herself. She had the guts to trade phone numbers with me, and called me up later. We met the next week with a friend of hers at Honya, the Japanese bookstore in Sakura Square, and at the time the only place you could get anime and manga. Jen & I spent six months being "friends", but I could see what was really happening, perhaps for the first time. She had fallen for me, but she thought she was worthless, and could never bring herself to say anything to me about how she felt. Her mother had spent years and years convincing her and her sisters that they were horrible, unattractive, and worthless, and Jen (now Fujiko, through the power of nicknaming) believed every word of it.

And I saw this and thought, "This is not right."

All those White Knight instincts in me kicked in, and I was determined to save her from her mother, and from herself. I was going to turn her around, and show her that she was loveable and desireable and pretty dang attractive to boot. So I asked her out, and started doing everything I could think of to boost her self-esteem. I never expected that I would be getting into a long-term relationship with her, but that is of course, exactly what happened. See how stupid I was?

We were together for 6 years, almost 7. We went through a lot in that time, both good & bad. I met a lot of good friends through her, many of whom I still have. And during this time, I kept two mindsets - one, that I should convince her that she wasn't worthless, and two, that this was all temporary. One day, she'd have grown enough to be able to leave, and I could go about my life without her. Such foolish notions, but youth is known for foolishness.

Looking back, these were horrible, selfish reasons to be in a relationship with someone. Yet we carried on. Mostly I carried on because I knew she would freak out and all my attempts to "help" her would come crashing down. But in time, I wanted out and I finally got up the guts to tell her. It was about as bad as you might expect, with the associated freak outs and the running back to her mother's house I had feared. But in time, I saw that she had changed for the better, and she was going to be okay. I had saved her after all. I put her out of my mind, and went on with my life.

Until today, when I found the letters she wrote me all those years ago, and the pictures drawn with care. Today, I realized that she saved me too.

She thought I was a Prince. She told a boy that thought he was grossly fat and had to hide it from everyone that he had the body of a demi-god. She told the guy that was sure no one liked him that he was the coolest person she'd ever met. She told a guy that thought he barely rated that he was a "10". She told me over and over and over. She wrote me letters, drew me pictures, and called me nightly. And I never heard her, not once, until today.

I wanted to show her that she was lovable. I wanted to show her that she was worthy. I wanted to show her that she was wanted. And she showed all that to me.

Thank you my dear, my love. I'm sorry it took me so long.

Why is it everyone I care about has been treated so awfully? I can't get my mind around it. I can't stop it. I can't help it.

Last night, I dreamt about dozens of people telling me about the abuse they suffered as a child. People I didn't even know. Like a television switching channels, just different faces, different backgrounds, always the same subject, over and over.

This is so alien to me. I cannot make myself understand how people can do this to other people. How parents can do...

Every day, I see more and more how fortunate I am. My parents were wonderful. No abuse, no neglect, no insanity. No one else in my family did it either. The very worst was perhaps my grandmother's guilt trips, but those were directed solely at my father & his brothers. My grandfather was a racist, but that only reared it's ugly head once, and certainly not at me. I'd chalk that up to the time period he was raised & lived in. I think if I had brought home a black girlfriend, he would've just kept his mouth shut. He never minded Fuji, they both liked her. But then they lived in Japan, so... And that's probably the worst of it, in my whole family.

I am so physically strong, and I never knew. Not like muscles - I rarely get sick, and I heal fast. When donating plasma, I see people have "episodes" all the time. I've never had so much as a woozyness. Sometimes it hurts, but they are sticking needles in my arm, so one can expect some pain.

Why am I the one so gifted? Why did I avoid all this horror that seems to have swept through the world? Why be so lucky? If I were a superhero, this would be obvious. But the world is not a comic book, and things are never so easily resolved.

I wish I could help.

I have recently become enamored of Terry Pratchett. (To be precise, I have become enamored of Pratchett’s writing – I’m sure he’s very nice, but he’s too hairy & those long distance relationships never work out.) My aunt Caitlin gave me Going Postal for Christmas, which was the first Discworld novel I’d ever read. Then for my birthday she gave me Guards! Guards! and Men At Arms. She gave me those two with the express purpose that I should get to know Carrot. And of course, she was right. Carrot is a fabulous character, but he hit a special note with me, and it’s a note that’s been reverberating in my head for the last few weeks. 
 

During the climax of Men At Arms, Carrot demonstrates that he is a natural leader. People follow him whether he wants them to or not. People that are technically his superiors start calling him Sir, and when he speaks, everyone listens. Not because he’s bigger or louder or in the City Watch, but because he’s him, and they can’t imagine doing otherwise. At the end of Men At Arms, there is pretty hard evidence that Carrot is the heir to the throne. Carrot, of course, ignores this. When pressed by Vimes as to why, Carrot comments that there doesn’t seem to be a need for a king. When leadership is needed, it’s good to have, but Carrot comments that most of the time, kings should be just wandering the street, shouting “All is well, all is well.”

This strikes me as the highest kind of wisdom. 

I have some pretty strong feelings about leadership. Part of that stems from the fact that I’m not real good at following, but most of it stems from the simple fact that I don’t think anyone who wants power should be allowed to have it. A desire for power indicates that the individual in question sees only the power, and not the massive, crushing responsibility that goes with it. Many, many people who end up in positions of power get crushed by that responsibility, in more ways than one. But more than that, I think leading people is the highest form of service you can render to humanity. It should not be a source of glory or wealth, because glory & wealth attracts the wrong kind of people to those positions. 

Leaders should not be paid. They should have all their needs provided for by the people they serve, like food & clothing & shelter, and perhaps a retirement of some kind when their service is done, but income should not be a concern for them. They should certainly never lack for things, but excessive amounts of payment just leads back to the wealth & glory thing, and that never leads anywhere good. But if you remove that incentive, you start attracting the kind of people who will lead because the job needs to be done. This is a horribly, horribly naïve and idealistic thought. Back to reality. 

The best thing a leader can do is get the hell out of the way of the people doing the work. James once told me that one of the things he learned in OCS was that an officer’s job is to clear away obstacles for the enlisted people below him. As a lieutenant, he was there to make sure his sergeants had what they needed to get their jobs done. His captain was there to make sure he had what he needed to do that, and on up the line. This, of course, is probably not how the military really functions, but it’s a good philosophy, and one I have adopted myself. In the VGR, I try to make sure my guys have what they need, and then just let them run with it. I don’t always do a good job, but I try. I often feel like the VGR is a big ball, and all I’m doing is giving it a nudge every now and then to keep it rolling in the right direction. 

Of course, the right direction is another concern. Leaders need their eye on that direction, not on their pocketbooks. One of the biggest flaws I have seen in failed leaders is that their concern was often for themselves or their interests, and not the interests of the organization they served. Kenny was like this – he loved the authority & power of being a Master, but he had no idea how to run a business. He did a lot of stupid things to me just because he could, all the while claiming he had some long-term agenda or plan. Invariably, his “long-term plan” disappeared in a week or two, and I was stuck doing something stupid over & over again because doing otherwise would threaten his power & authority. I’ve seen and heard about a lot of martial arts masters doing this. On the other hand, I’ve seen Masters put their interests aside and create flourishing schools, and they can just sit back and count the money while everything functions around them. 

In keeping with that theme, it helps to be able to identify who’s going to best serve the interests of the ball and keep it going towards it’s goal. The ball is powered by people, and the people have to fit together in a ball shape, to run with that metaphor. But making that happen once again becomes a question of the ball’s interests and not your own. Sometimes you have to do unpleasant things to keep the ball rolling forward. Sometimes you have to grab a knife and cut something off of it, even something you might like. I’ve only had to do that once, and I only tossed my cookies once after doing it. I hated it, but the ball kept rolling. 

Ultimately, leading is serving. You’re there to serve & support the folks who are actually making things happen. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned running the VGR was that I had to show my Staff how much I appreciated them, and thank them repeatedly for their work. I’m sorry to say I had to learn this lesson the hard way. 

I have mentioned elsewhere that I greatly fear my own power. The power I fear is the same as Carrot’s: people follow me. People listen to me. People do what I tell them to do. Not all the time, certainly, but I have The Mojo. I have been told, by people who don’t even like me very much, that I am a natural leader. This fact scares the crap out of me. Even writing this down gives me the jibblies. Every NDK I go through this again, because I need to be a leader, the best leader I can, to get things done and make sure my event goes off smoothly. But it scares me so badly, because I know the pitfalls and the dangers of leading and being “in charge.” I don’t want to do it, I don’t want the responsibility, too many bad things have happened because of it. I know exactly how Strider felt when he told Elrond, “I do not want that power. I have never wanted it.” 

But even worse, there’s an evil little part of me, that I usually keep locked in an iron box in the back of my mind, that does want that power. And it must never be allowed to have it. I have seen myself do & say things, when I’m leading, that I have been shocked at. I have seen the power that I seem to have, and I was frightened by it, but only after the fact. At the time, it seemed only natural and just the right solution. Thinking back on how easy it was to get people to do what I wanted chilled me to the bone. And that should scare anyone else I know too. 

So, not too long ago Amanda had an interesting dream. Walking along & chatting with her later, it suddenly hit both of us what that dream really meant – I’m not reaching high enough. I’m selling myself short. She thought I should apply for a manager position at B&N and not a bookseller one. I told her there was no chance I could get a manager position, because I wasn’t qualified. On the other hand, I realized, I seemed to be too qualified for normal entry-level jobs because I couldn’t get one – no one’s going to hire me because I wouldn’t last in something like that. It was like a rake thwapping me between the eyes. 

Leading seems to be what I’m here to do. People are following, and god-dammit, that means I’ve got a responsibility to be a good leader. But I don’t want to. I want to sit back quietly and not be noticed. I want to go home at the end of the day and have no responsibilities. And I sure as hell don’t want to be in charge of anything. But I’m getting all the signs that this is what She intends for me to do. 

I asked Her, why me? I don’t like doing this, I don’t want to do it, it doesn’t make me happy. 

And She said, “Sometimes, it’s not about you.”

I wish the world was a safe place for women.

I wish women didn't have to be afraid of men.



While I'm wishing, I'd like a pony.

I'm sorry to say, this comes as no surprise.

This sort of insanity has been getting worse and worse lately. Every where you look, they're taking over. It's absolute madness, and it's only going to get worse. This country is no longer By The People, For The People. America is run for the benefit of other powers, other forces, and it's headed all downhill quite rapidly.

All this gives me hope.

That sounds insane, I know. Hear me out.

Things change. In fact, the only thing that doesn't ever change is change. Some changes are small, like a new apartment, new relationship, new life. Others are bigger. We are headed into a new age on this planet, a new way of thinking, a new way of acting, and a new way of living - and that means the old things have to die off. However, nothing dies slowly or easily, and they're determined to go down fighting. But it's a fight they can't win. It's like fighting the seasons or the sunset, or declaring that the sun orbits the earth and killing people who disagree with you.

We all feel it. We're all aware of it one way or another. I see it manifesting in small ways, like the changes in pop-culture and the trend towards racial & cultural globalization. I see it in the games we play, the movies we watch, and the TV shows that are popular. I see it in the increasingly wide-spread acceptance of ideas that, a mere two decades ago, would have been unmentionable in public, or just laughable.

People are changing. There is no doubt about it. But not everyone is undergoing that change. Some are resisting. This is not wrong, or unnatural, or even foolish - there must always be people like this in the world, because they create the counterbalance that allows us to define ourselves, even in the simplest of terms. But the people who are not changing are going to be left behind.

There is a pattern of thought in Conservative Christians today that boggled me when I first heard it - the notion that they are under attack, that they are being persecuted. They have infiltrated the highest levels of government, and are passing laws and restrictions based not on logic or reason, but unblinking adherance to a system that was crafted not to lift people up, but to hold them down. With a word, they can throw things into utter chaos, they can declare what you can read and watch and hear and say and think. And they're being persecuted?

Yes, they are.

They are on the way out, and they know it as plainly as we do. And they are fighting it with everything they've got. But they can't win. In the end, thier actions, the ones they think are preserving thier way of life, are in fact destroying it. Every time I read an article like this, all I can think is, "One more nail in the coffin." Every time I am outraged by thier actions, I know they're just digging thier own graves. Each ignorant, short-sighted, destructive, racist, bigoted action of thiers pushes more and more people away from them. And the time will come when the world will not remember the good works that may have been done in thier name and by thier hand, but only the hatred, hipocracy and greed that they have created and allowed to grow, and we will finally cast them out.

It is my sincere hope that we won't be sifting through the ashes of the world while we do this.

Remember, there is a reason you are here, right now, watching this, reading these words. You came here for this. You signed on on purpose. And you are not alone. They say the greatest souls are the ones that accept the most difficult burdens in life, and I can tell you I've seen it with my own eyes. Or perhaps, not with my eyes. There was a period in my life where I could not shut out The Truth of the world, and I could not stop seeing past the illusions we've all chosen to create. I was working for US Bank downtown, and I had to really focus to do things like use a computer - it was all ashes and dust to me, but there was something that was very real: people. I could see people's souls as clearly as I now see thier bodies, and they gave off a light that lit that dark & dusty world. The brightest souls I saw during that time surprised me - it was a pair of handicapped people, both steering thier wheelchairs with mouthsticks. They were working together, each holding open one of the huge, heavy doors that opened from the lobby on the first floor while the other rolled through. Their souls were shining so brightly, I almost couldn't look at them. They were very, very advanced, and were here to learn something very powerful. I have never again pitied handicapped or disabled people. They chose this path, and they should be honored for thier quiet example.

I see the same when I think of that young woman in the hospital in Florida. Her life has been one of quiet patience, waiting for this moment. The crime that was perpetrated on her was horrible, and the future crimes being committed in the name of religious intolerance are going to be even worse. But she is eternal, and I tell you now: she chose this life, for this purpose. She is a Great Soul, and her physical suffering and pain are as fleeting as the cardboard and dust of our shadow world, and inside her broken and misgrown body, her soul knows this. Do not pity her. Thank her, and remember what she has done, and will do, simply by having lived. She has given us an example to strive against, a model of everything we do not wish to be, and she will change the world in a far more powerful fashion than any war or peace you or I have ever known.

And we can do the same. They don't want you to think that you are powerful. They don't want you to know that you can stand up. They don't want you to think that you're not alone, that there are others like you, and that you don't have to be a superhero to change the world. They want you to sit down, shut up, obey, and most importantly, keep consuming. But they can't win. And the world will go on without them.

How then, do we survive the coming trials? Pay attention. Don't forget. Tell others. Learn. Unite. Support. Teach.

And wait. There is no need to fight an enemy that is killing himself.

Jordan Casale is an old friend of mine.

I first met him in high school. He was another dork that found his way into Fuj's circle of friends, and we hung out on a regular basis for a number of years. We were sort of on-again, off-again friends, mostly because I think he knew what an asshole I really was, and could only stand so much of me. He's since moved to Arizona, and he and his wife are expecting thier first child. I've always been kind of glad he was still interested in keeping in touch with me, and we regularly chat online. Recently we were discussing my defiance of my fate.

[10:38] Jordan:I think you should do it.
[10:39] Jordan:You're a good teacher. You taught me a lot.
[10:40] MyTBakuDan:What did I ever teach you?
[10:41] MyTBakuDan:How to be a stone-cold mack daddy.
[10:41] MyTBakuDan:And look where it's gotten you.
[10:42] Jordan: LOL
[10:42] Jordan:You taught me a lot of things, like how to be a man.
[10:45] MyTBakuDan:Oh.
[10:45] MyTBakuDan:*humbled*

....Alright, dammit. You win, Lady. Now leave me alone.

On second thought, please don't.

I'm really weird.

Let me qualify that: I'm weird in a way that most people I know are not. I like to work. I find comfort in working, in having a job, in being productive. Yeah, sure, I like earning money and having the security that regular employment provides, but I get a genuine sense of comfort and satisfaction from going in and putting in a good 8-hour day.

Like I said, I'm weird.

I have spent time being idle. I spent rather a long time being idle, and producing almost nothing. But when my bizarre transformation occurred, which left me with a desire to clean my house, take command of my finances, and stop dressing like a flood victim, it also left me with a sense of deep dissatisfaction when I didn't have some work of some kind to do.

Sometimes I can stave it off by doing something productive but not really work, like the convention. But most of the time, when I spend days sitting around job hunting, or chatting online or, Gods Forbid, playing games, I'm left feeling empty. And that sucks.

Thanks to jdporter and wilder_hiryu, I now have an excellent job. The people are cool, the environment's laid back, and the pay is meaty. Not as much as some positions I've held, but that paid rather a lot, and besides, it's in the past now. I'm extremely grateful to have gotten this job, especially considering I spent something like a week jobless - a record for me.

But it was a crapful week, and now I know why. I think there's a certain balance that must be maintained within yourself, and I have come to realize more and more that productive, useful work is part of that balance. I can't spend nearly the time playing games that I used to - I don't have the patience for it. I have to stop playing and get up and do laundry or something. I've got mounds of games, some I haven't even installed or fired up yet, and I find that I have less and less time to play them. Partly because I have so many to be played, but partly because I don't have the attention span to play them anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love them, and I felt thier absence during my time of sickness, but I must find balance. That's the only thing that really appeals to me.

Balance is an essential element in the study of martial arts. Balance is essential for proper movement and technique, but balance of the mind is important as well. Balance leads to flexibilty and adaptability, and these things can make one invincible. But there also needs to be some balance of the spirit, and of Life as well. Too much of any one thing upsets all the balances, and everything comes crashing down again.

Jose Stevens wrote a fabulous book, and in it he talked about the need for four pillars of balance: work, play, study and rest. I've always liked this model, and the importance it gives to each pillar, because without strengthening each one, the whole thing collapses. I think a good goal would be to try and find that balance for myself.

Once debts are paid, I return to class. Yeee, and might I add, Haw.